It doesn't surprise me that this is so well written. Your self-awareness of your mental, physical and spiritual growth is refreshing. We are so lucky to be part of your journey.
Very beautiful Pastor Kevin. Very rarely does a person impress me with their grace and honesty, who can speak their mind and is still able to maintain a sense of compassion, and resiliency that makes an incredible leader. All of those trials have lead you to be the pastor that people like me need (and many others). I’ll always be grateful for all you are.
There might not ever be a time when you can say "what did I learn that I could do better," because sometimes I suspect the modern role of "pastor" is literally an impossible job for non-existent people. No one could manage being a pastor the way we think of pastor today: someone who is deeply taught, wise, strong, emotionally support, gifted at preaching, able to handle stress and unmanageable people, wise enough to see the future, sensitive to switching mores while staying true to the ways of Jesus--and also married, with kids, with a side job of some kind to pay for his living expenses and a full staff of professionals to handle the details of his job that keep him from -- well, pastoring.
I have loved my pastors in the past. I have seen some very good people doing the work of pastoring. Some of them maintained, and they did so by becoming almost an automaton of behaviors. They had to slice apart their life as a person so that their "pastoral" role was the thing they did with part of themselves so they would not be consumed. Some lost themselves in the role, apparently believing that a "good" pastor could not take a single moment for themselves nor mark a single moment of their lives as private. Many fell apart from the strain of attempting to be the "good person" they proclaimed themselves to be or demanded that they be -- and the reality of their humanity combined with the fear of discovery broken them into shards scattered on the floor of their church offices.
I suppose there is a place for pastors in the church, but I'm starting to suspect that what we mean by both "pastor" and "church" are preposterous ideas that don't fit the realities of our humanity. And because the ideas are preposterous, they're unworkable and unliveable.
Maybe there is a place for people who are wise and measured as gifted to be given their moment in the assembly of the Beloved Community to teach, encourage, warn, and confront. I just don't know that such a role should be the senior, unquestioned role in such an assembly, and I don't know if any one person is capable of living in such a role in every circumstance and for every meeting.
That pastors have lived through their pastorships is a mark of gritty endurance, the fierce gift of survival that drives many people to keep doing what is killing them because of the idea that there's a winning position, a place at the finish line that must be attained.
I just see too many good people kill their souls trying to be something they cannot be to accomplish something that does not mean anything.
I am all for spiritual health, spiritual advisors, spiritual direction. But not at the expense of the human who is trying to be all for all and finds themselves empty.
For what it's worth for you, I would hope that your rekindled love for what you do will lead you to healthy patterns and boundaries, and that you will find peace as well as strength in fulfilling what you are called to do. Your heart to connect with people and bring them to the life-giving love of Jesus matters a lot to us who listen to you. If it looks true in you, it is something we can believe can be true in us.
It doesn't surprise me that this is so well written. Your self-awareness of your mental, physical and spiritual growth is refreshing. We are so lucky to be part of your journey.
This is quite beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.
Man, what poetic beauty you created. Seriously artfully done.
You’re a really good writer, Kevin. Thanks for sharing your gift!
Very beautiful Pastor Kevin. Very rarely does a person impress me with their grace and honesty, who can speak their mind and is still able to maintain a sense of compassion, and resiliency that makes an incredible leader. All of those trials have lead you to be the pastor that people like me need (and many others). I’ll always be grateful for all you are.
I'm sorry I missed reading this the first time.
I feel this for you.
There might not ever be a time when you can say "what did I learn that I could do better," because sometimes I suspect the modern role of "pastor" is literally an impossible job for non-existent people. No one could manage being a pastor the way we think of pastor today: someone who is deeply taught, wise, strong, emotionally support, gifted at preaching, able to handle stress and unmanageable people, wise enough to see the future, sensitive to switching mores while staying true to the ways of Jesus--and also married, with kids, with a side job of some kind to pay for his living expenses and a full staff of professionals to handle the details of his job that keep him from -- well, pastoring.
I have loved my pastors in the past. I have seen some very good people doing the work of pastoring. Some of them maintained, and they did so by becoming almost an automaton of behaviors. They had to slice apart their life as a person so that their "pastoral" role was the thing they did with part of themselves so they would not be consumed. Some lost themselves in the role, apparently believing that a "good" pastor could not take a single moment for themselves nor mark a single moment of their lives as private. Many fell apart from the strain of attempting to be the "good person" they proclaimed themselves to be or demanded that they be -- and the reality of their humanity combined with the fear of discovery broken them into shards scattered on the floor of their church offices.
I suppose there is a place for pastors in the church, but I'm starting to suspect that what we mean by both "pastor" and "church" are preposterous ideas that don't fit the realities of our humanity. And because the ideas are preposterous, they're unworkable and unliveable.
Maybe there is a place for people who are wise and measured as gifted to be given their moment in the assembly of the Beloved Community to teach, encourage, warn, and confront. I just don't know that such a role should be the senior, unquestioned role in such an assembly, and I don't know if any one person is capable of living in such a role in every circumstance and for every meeting.
That pastors have lived through their pastorships is a mark of gritty endurance, the fierce gift of survival that drives many people to keep doing what is killing them because of the idea that there's a winning position, a place at the finish line that must be attained.
I just see too many good people kill their souls trying to be something they cannot be to accomplish something that does not mean anything.
I am all for spiritual health, spiritual advisors, spiritual direction. But not at the expense of the human who is trying to be all for all and finds themselves empty.
For what it's worth for you, I would hope that your rekindled love for what you do will lead you to healthy patterns and boundaries, and that you will find peace as well as strength in fulfilling what you are called to do. Your heart to connect with people and bring them to the life-giving love of Jesus matters a lot to us who listen to you. If it looks true in you, it is something we can believe can be true in us.
Peace to you, and hope in your journey.