Your Pastor Needs Space
The greatest gift you can give your pastor is less you... and 3 other things
“Pastors are leaving, and they aren’t coming back…”
Over cooling cups of coffee, we sat, uncomfortable pleasentries now past.
He was looking for hope that I just couldn’t give him.
“…some are simply abandoning the corner office,” I continued, “but many are walking away completely… walking away from the church, and some, the faith.”
I broke eye contact, afraid I might cry.
“They’re not coming back.”
I pressed on. If I stopped now—if I flinched—I wouldn’t finish.
It was too personal.
“They’re our best.
We are losing our best.
The ones that are staying aren’t the ones you want staying.”
I knew they didn’t get it, but I did.
The person sitting across the table from me looked as though I had just diagnosed their loved one with a terminal disease.
I suppose, in a way, I did.
“We did a couple of studies with clergy where we found their rates of post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms were at an alarmingly high level—in fact, at a level that would be higher than post-deployment military personnel.”1
— STEVEN SANDAGE
I know that trauma well.
Every pastor knows that trauma well.
What once was a profession centered on giving compassion and care has become an endless exercise in conflict resolution.
Congregants are mad as hell, and they are taking it out on those working the front lines: the clergy.
Most pastors simply don’t have the support structures, relational resources, or mental margin to endure the current climate in their congregation. They have been running in the red for years, and at a time where they need to be able to dig deep they find they have nothing left to give.
In 2021, Barna Research found that a mind-blowing 38% of pastors have seriously considered quitting within the past year. This number was 1/3 higher than the year before. Says Barna, "intense congregational divisions and financial strain, [is causing] an alarming percentage of pastors [to experience] significant burnout, driving them to seriously consider leaving ministry."2
So many pastors have quit or are considering quitting that it’s been given a name: The Great Resignation.
“What can be done?,” the question hanging in the air for a moment before landing in my heart like lead.
“I’m not sure it can be stopped at this point, even if congregations wanted to… and I am not at all convinced they care enough to try.”
Barna hit on something else in their research: Well-being.
Says Barna: “Overall, pastors who are contemplating quitting are less healthy in all the well-being categories compared to pastors who are not considering giving up full-time ministry.”
But what can you do?
To be honest, a lot.
1. Give your pastor permission to be selfish.
Every time I fly, I am reminded, “As an adult, put your ait mask on first before attempting to help others.”
Pastors need to be given permission to take care of themselves, and that is difficult. They are taught to to sacrifice themselves for “the call.” Most pastors will give till they have no more to give, and then they will find a way to give more.
This is not only unhealthy, it’s also ungodly.
Good pastors have a hard time seeing that it is okay to let their church, ministry area, or hurting congregant wait (or even suffer) while they take time to do self care. In fact, I would suggest that it is a congregation’s responsibility to allow—even encourage—pastors to put self first.
2. Encourage safe space.
Few pastors have truly safe space.
The pastorate is isolating in a way that one simply cannot understand until they are in the role, so you may have to trust me here.
Most pastors do not have space where they can be 100% vulnerable and transparent.
And no, congregant, no matter how great of friend you are with a pastor or their spouse, you are not and will never be safe space. As hard as it is for me to tell you this, your pastor will never be their full selves with you.
If they say they are, they are protecting your feelings. If you believe they can be their full selves with you, you are protecting your own feelings.
It’s simply not possible… nor healthy.
A pastor’s congregants, people in their community, and peers in their denomination/ministry circles will never be able to offer fully safe space because those relationships are, at some level, transactional.
Pastors have options though, and it is a congregation’s responsibility to encourage them. For instance, there are online support groups, DMin programs, and other cohort programs.
Don’t let your pastor burn out because they have nowhere to vulnerably be their true selves.
3. Make space for therapy.
Suggesting therapy is always a bit volatile, but your pastor needs access and encouragement to counseling services.
Even in the healthiest churches, pastors experience trauma. They are wounded by well-meaning congregants, at times, and they experience secondary-trauma as they counsel and guide those in difficult situations.
We must break the taboo surrounding professional therapy and destroy the false theologies that claim counseling is anti-Christ. I am convinced that most pastoral problems and burnout could have been avoided if pastors had been engaged in as-needed therapy with licensed, professional counselors.
Personally, my Jewish counselor has been a godsend. She understands faith and my commitment to it, but she also knows none of the “Christian cliches” that I could get away with in Christian counseling environments. And, like a good Rabbi, she isn’t comfortable with a “how do you feel” model. She regularly challenges my thinking and rebukes my ridiculousness.
So, in a way, I guess I have two Jewish counselors… if you know what I mean.
4. Fix the physical well-being.
Among pastors ready to burn out and quit, Barna identified EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL well-being as the areas of greatest need with financial, vocational, relational, and spiritual well-being lagging behind.
For me, fixing my physical health created a snowball effect that saw the other areas repaired as a result. Far too many pastors are sacrificing their greatest asset—their body—on the altar of ministry. They will end up ending the race early because their physical temple could not keep up with their work in the spiritual one.
Encourage your pastors and staff to take the time to focus on their physical health. Give their family a gym membership and the space to enjoy it… even if it means reducing the work day by an hour to allow them the time.
It’s that important.
If you are a pastor or ministry worker and you need help, let me know.
If you are a congregant and want to explore ways to help your minister or staff get healthy, let me know.
https://www.bu.edu/articles/2022/why-are-so-many-religious-leaders-facing-stress-and-burnout/
https://www.barna.com/research/pastors-well-being/
This is truly an insightful article. Our church is searching for a new pastor, so these are all great points to keep in mind. No church wants to start the search process over again because they fell short in offering support. Our pastor is retiring, but hopefully it's not because we missed these signs. I don't agree with a lot of your theology, but this issue is sound. Both biblically and common sense wise. Tremendous work!
Thank you for posting this!